19. 思念

It's really amazing how 思(sī) from 思念(sī niàn)(miss: the act of missing someone) is the exact pronunciation as 死(si)(die). It's as if you miss someone so much to the extent that you're close to dying. As if you really love someone to the point that you feel like dying, you act like you're dying, you sound like you're dying, almost everything about you seems dead. But you're only barely breathing, barely living, barely alive. The only difference about you and that of a dead person is your present state and how you look. But then again, deep in you - you're already dead and no one knows that and everyone is oblivious to your dead self except yourself. -

I really miss you. 

18. If only

If only you knew how much I love you,

If only you knew how I smile when I'm with you,

If only you knew how much your text means to me, 

If only you knew how I think about you all day long, 

If only you knew how I get jealous when I see you with others, 

If only you knew how much I reminisce the times we spend together, 

If only you knew how much of an impact you are to me, 

If only you knew how my heart cries out for you every night, 

If only you knew how I'm trying my best to look for you, 

If only you knew how I still want to be with you,

If only you knew how I still long for your kiss,

If only you knew how I still reread the old text messages we've had,

If only you knew how I long to hold you in my arms again, 

If only you knew how my soul cries out to you,

If only you knew how this still affects me, 

If only you knew how much I still love you,

If only you knew how much I love you,

If only you knew how much 

If only you knew

If only I know how to let go of all these thoughts. 

17.

Yet another lonesome night, the only difference is that I'm really sick to the core right now. Which reminds me - I've not done what I'm supposed to do yet. In fact, I've not done a lot of things that I'm supposed to do for today. Instead, I'm just sitting on my bed, blogging. This old habit is starting to reoccur in my life right now. Oh well. It is great to have a diary where I do not have to torture my fingers(apparently, a really bad habit of mine is to write really hard). Blogs are great in fact, a place where I can vent my frustrations and rant about almost anything under the sun.
Main topic anyway, I'm just feeling rather empty these days. I feel like I'm walking stronger in the Lord, but somehow, something's really pulling me away from The Lord. I've a feeling I can point my finger and just what it is but somehow, to me, this really isn't what my life is supposed to be for. I'm supposed to do a lot more greater things than the present life I am currently leading.
I've seen so many people accomplish great things. Some times, I just wonder, will I always lead a life which always accepts mediocrity? Although I'm not a really organised person, I have a lot of goals which I want to follow - goals which I've created for the longest time ever, yet these goals are goals that has not fade away: Have a PhD,
marry at 27,
continue studying,
drive a car or two,
live in an exclusive condo,
have 4 perfect children,
retire in a small food outlet selling really small snacks,
travel around the world,
die in the arms of the ones I love,
hopefully by 80.
So many things I want to do in life, but somehow I always wonder, "am I really up for it?", "Is this life meant to be mine?", "are you sure?"
But we all know, God uses the simple to accomplish greater things than the ones whom expect too much. It is when we expect nothing from The Lord, where we receive more abundantly. When we expect The Lord to do something great, somehow we are not waiting upon Him and not letting his plan flow according to His will.
At the end of the day, this might not be the life I would lead, but in any case:
Your will above all else,
my purpose remains.
The art of losing myself,
in bringing you grace.

16.

I'm imperfect, insecure and I'm a mess. I'm full of flaws, full of scars which I hide. I dare not show the world who I really am, I dare not let anyone in. I try my best to allow people to know who I really am but they all just leave me in the end. So many times I cry for help in desperation. Sometimes, in need of a little attention. Sometimes, in need of a little help. I cry, I cry, I cry, I seek, I seek, I seek. Everywhere, there's people around me willing to help. But I push people away. Since young, ever since forever. So, I've tried my best to withdraw and close up in to my own little shell. A shell where no one can break in to. No one can come in because I refuse to let anyone in. I thought it would be alright to hold the burdens in, and not let anyone help. I thought I was doing a favor by not seeking help. Attention seeking, they used to say. I thought I had to learn independence. It was the key to survival after all, in this really harsh society. How can I let anyone in anyway? It's really hard. No one would stay by you to really hear you out and be there for you. It's just that once you share your problems, they can't back out. It's like an obligation for them to be there. They would always have to be there. So I'd rather linger around loneliness and never let anyone in. They wouldn't be there forever. They wouldn't love the scars on my body. They wouldn't love who I really am. They wouldn't love me.

Until I met You.

You reassured me, you chose to love me. Be it obligation or not, you made me feel loved. Would you still love me when I no longer seem happy? Would you still love me when I no longer seem perfect? Would you still love me when I show you all my scars? Would you still love me when I show you who I really am? Would you still love me? Would you be there for me? Would you continually reassure me that you love me? Would you continually shower me with love? Would you love this insecure mess? Would you love this people whom is full of flaws? Would you love a messed up person? Would you love someone whom only knows how to hide away from problems? Would you love someone whom craves a lot of attention? Would you love someone whom always pushes people away? Would you love me?

You did.

15. A day

• To immerse myself in books.
• Indulge myself in the Lord.
• Disappear without a single care of the world.
• Not having to care about others.
• Not having to worry how others may feel.
• Not having to "be there for someone"
• Not having to need the feeling of needing someone to be there for me.
• To myself.
• To praise God and exalt His name.

Goodbye from the phase of the earth. On that day, we'll see who really cares.

14.

Love me

more than

stars love

dying

but love me

less than the

abyss of 

celestial

bodies;

I could 

never

hold the 

heavens

you’ve 

hoped 

for.

13.

The unsung choruses of birds,
the unsaid words from my lips,
the times we were far apart,
the times I held you near,
the life I had lead with you beside me,
and the life I am living without you.

The trials,
sufferings,
afflictions,
pain,
we all had to go through.
Judgment through everything,
yet we couldn't say anything.

What's truly in your mind,
my dear.
Please tell me why you've a sad smile.
I'd wipe away every tear from your eyes,
if you'd let me.

I'd hold you once again in my arms,
and hold you close,
and never let go.

My dear,
tell me all you know,
tell me all you've been through,
tell me all you've ever said,
tell me all you've ever felt,
tell me all you know.

Whisper in my ears
once again, my dear.
As the world slowly fades away,
tell me you love me,
and you'd hold me in your arms again,
and you'd hold me close,
and you'd never let go.