32

There's something weird about dreams and how it captures every fragment of your imagination that even your soberness can't come up with.
Somethings are just meant to coexist but are never meant to meet.

31. Perspective -

See the world through your eyes and see how there's many million things in the world. The colors in the world are so vivid, the lines so defined. You can see everything beautifully, but a speck of a dust may cause all goodness and wholesomeness to be gone. Beauty may come crashing down in just about a second. But to repair perfection takes a lifetime. Legend has it that some people had tried to make life perfect. But everyone died trying. No one can make a difference or even start a revolution. A handful tried and their experiences are testimonies of why we should never try to be indifferent. The world is a huge and cruel and there's not many in the world that actually bothers trying to make it beautiful. To want to make a difference, others call it silly, some call them ambitious.

30.

You don't have to try to be perfect because perfection is already what you are. God had a special plan when He created you. He took a little extra time and a little extra care when it was your turn. He made you so perfect words cannot describe how wonderful and great you really are. 

29.

Ended a case with all his friends.

Knocked off work.

Got out of his pick up to a sacred place,

He tried to find a girl even though he had a girl back home.

She caught his eye.

Every Friday evening worshiping the great.

Asking for forgiveness and maybe a man.

She never knew her prayers would be answered that quickly.

Too quickly.

He caught her eye.

Danced and squandered their youth away.

Dated and had fun everyday.

Tried to get closer and closer each time.

Unfortunately,

too close.

Her mother refused to let her go out.

Asked her to stay at home 

And never to meet the man again.

Her youthful desires sent her away.

She wanted every opportunity to be with him.

She cried about it and she doesn't know how.

She didn't want to be pregnant.

His life was at stake,

Her family could take action,

She was only 18.

A shot gun marriage, 

a quiet affair.

She didn't want the world to know 

her despair.

She quit school, 

she stopped going to where they met.

She loved him, 

and he loved her.

She tried to stay positive

as if everything were alright-

It wasn't

They only barely knew each other.

Fighting and quarreling at home everyday

The typical love story of romeo and juliet.

She was of a shady background 

but he was a man of justice.

She tried every possible way to get closer to him,

Too close it did.

He started to hit.

Abusing her for the next 10 years,

divorce was their constant topic for the next 30 years.

They never got to it.

Out came the first, 

then the second.

The third came soon

and so the fourth was the last.

Many years later, 

the fourth is 16

Third is 24

Second is 33

First is 37.

She's waiting for her results with her kids.

She's gonna be healed.

Definitely.

28.

Something i penned down awhile back. 

Relentlessly continuing the sounds of chitter-chatter, 

The rain all around making it a cool, cool weather, 

The aroma of coffee that doesn't seem to matter, 

people studying blindly and susceptible to the noise. 

Merciless cramming with a pinch of irritation, 

how can this be a conducive place?

Deemed as the study place in Singapore,

yet the ambience is that of a heartlander coffee shop. 

I came here in hopes of having a good, productive day. 

Only to realize 6.60 squandered away. 

I could've bought an eighty cent worth coffee 

for the same ambience, in a loud and noisy 

coffee shop. 

27.

I don't know why I try so hard to please you when you'll never be pleased with what I do. 

I'm always second to her. 

And I'm forever your demon child. 

26. you'll never know.

Don't walk away now only for you to regret, because if you turn your head away now, you'll never know how it feels like to be loved by me. You'll never be able to experience holding my hand, getting hugged, kissing each other, walking down the aisle, experiencing our first, having a baby, raising a child, growing old together, dying in each others' arms.

But if you turn your heart to me right now, you'll get to experience all that. Besides that, you're gonna be so loved. I may not be the most perfect person but I ensure that I'll love you until the very best I can. We can pray together, love each other. I wouldn't stop you from reaching your life goals. I'm gonna love you so much, everyone's gonna be jealous of the love and common bond we share. Because if you love me, I'm gonna love you too.

But you turned away.
And you don't seem like you're turning back.
I'll be here waiting.
Until time ends.

Beat.

25. threatened

Just a little something I've written before but it sums everything up. Goodbye.

they call it
the place where we
feel most accepting of
ourselves.
I feel condemned
used
unwanted
insecure.
I've tried to let this thought go
but where can it go
it can only go so far.
it'll come back
and haunt me.
she'll haunt me.
the silhouette of her is enough
to kill me

I shudder
at the thought of her
but she's just there
she constantly reminds me
of what she is
who she is
and what she used to be.

what's mine
should never be mine.

it's hers.

threatened.

24. sixteen

I'm 16 years young, I am naive.
I'm 16 years young, I might need a lot of love.
I'm 16 years young, I may still be immature.
I'm 16 years young, I have the future in my hands.
I'm 16 years young, I am supposed to listen to authority.
I'm 16 years young, I cannot make rational decisions yet.

I'm 16 years old, I can fend for myself.
I'm 16 years old, I have my own emotions.
I'm 16 years old, I can be serious when I want to.
I'm 16 years old, I have the ability to make decisions.
I'm 16 years old, I refuse to subdue to your nonsensical requests.
I'm 16 years old, I have a brain.

I am 16 years old, not stupid.

23.

If you're only going to stay for a while, I'd rather you not step into my life at all, because if you're only here to leave in the end, I'm not looking for a transaction. Your company for my time and vice versa. I'd rather you stay as a faded shadow. I don't want to live through the agony of losing someone close to me once again. 

I know that this feeling is familiar and it's a disorder I have - the inability to trust anyone. But why do people think it's wrong when I'm using this as a precautionary measure? Is it wrong to look out for myself? Everyone thinks it's wrong for me to close up in my own shell - but I don't see how this is wrong. It's just me, looking out. It's not as if I'm going back to cutting or having suicidal thoughts. I just don't want to hurt myself when all of you leave. 

Some argue that the least I can do is to learn how to cherish - but what good is there? If I cherish you even more, I'd trust and love you even more. What happens when you leave? Wouldn't it be even worst than what it already is? 

Goodbye old friend, I'm just going to slowly fade away and learn to be there for myself - something I should've done a long time ago.

I'm just looking out for myself.

I'm sorry for being this way 

I'm sorry for my sorrow 

I just want to fade away. 

22.

There you are
standing right before me.
Perfection in the form of a human.
Lost,
the expression you portray.
But then again,
you always look lost.
It shows a certain sense of naivety -
something lacking in most nowadays.
The clarity of your eyes seems so
deep and I can just reach in to the
depths of your soul in one look.
Your smile would brighten up
the entire room, but that isn't all too
surprising isn't it, beautiful?
You're not a regular. 
But sometimes the irregularity 
is what stands out
from the rest of the crowd. 

21.

There's really something so special about a pen and paper, or a keypad. The way you can deeply immerse yourself in some imaginary world of your own. Somewhere where you can let out all your repressed desires; some place you can temporarily liberate yourself from reality; some form of dimension where it goes by "do as you please". I love writing so much. You have the ability to write whatever you want to write. Everyone's thought process is different. You are the master of your own imagination, and the author to your own soul. Your sentence structure, your grammatical tenses, your vocabulary. Everything can be so different from one another. Banana. No one would've write banana just here. But I did, that's so interesting about writing. You literally hold the key to your own world full of colors. Whether you unlock this door is the issue, and whether you let yourself freely express is what's stopping you.

Why hold yourself back? Just let the magic flow.

20.

I don't even know my kids yet but I'm already too afraid to let them step in to the world. With so much harsh demands and expectations on kids which are barely even 3, I'm really afraid if my kid ends up being too overwhelmed with the world and I cannot do anything about it. I really want my kid to be able to live in a happy world. - A world full of happiness, with no expectations of your life. Society's demands are too hard to keep up with. Almost as if they're trying to create a Utopian society. What good is Utopia if the people are not happy? Is a high GDP really all that important? What good is high GDP per capita if the suicidal rate and depression rate increases vastly each year? Every second passing is another new demand and expectation for someone to take on. What good is there if we're a highly developed country when everyone here is not living life? It really shows something if our country is one of the most developed country, one of the most safest country to live in, yet we are one of the top ten most unhappiest country in the world. It's so scary how some people can't even live life properly. We're all sucked in to conformity and the freedom to express yourself is really little. How then, can anyone grow up in such a society?
I've not even met my kid yet,but I'm so afraid to let my kid live in this harsh world.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” - Oscar Wilde

19. 思念

It's really amazing how 思(sī) from 思念(sī niàn)(miss: the act of missing someone) is the exact pronunciation as 死(si)(die). It's as if you miss someone so much to the extent that you're close to dying. As if you really love someone to the point that you feel like dying, you act like you're dying, you sound like you're dying, almost everything about you seems dead. But you're only barely breathing, barely living, barely alive. The only difference about you and that of a dead person is your present state and how you look. But then again, deep in you - you're already dead and no one knows that and everyone is oblivious to your dead self except yourself. -

I really miss you. 

18. If only

If only you knew how much I love you,

If only you knew how I smile when I'm with you,

If only you knew how much your text means to me, 

If only you knew how I think about you all day long, 

If only you knew how I get jealous when I see you with others, 

If only you knew how much I reminisce the times we spend together, 

If only you knew how much of an impact you are to me, 

If only you knew how my heart cries out for you every night, 

If only you knew how I'm trying my best to look for you, 

If only you knew how I still want to be with you,

If only you knew how I still long for your kiss,

If only you knew how I still reread the old text messages we've had,

If only you knew how I long to hold you in my arms again, 

If only you knew how my soul cries out to you,

If only you knew how this still affects me, 

If only you knew how much I still love you,

If only you knew how much I love you,

If only you knew how much 

If only you knew

If only I know how to let go of all these thoughts. 

17.

Yet another lonesome night, the only difference is that I'm really sick to the core right now. Which reminds me - I've not done what I'm supposed to do yet. In fact, I've not done a lot of things that I'm supposed to do for today. Instead, I'm just sitting on my bed, blogging. This old habit is starting to reoccur in my life right now. Oh well. It is great to have a diary where I do not have to torture my fingers(apparently, a really bad habit of mine is to write really hard). Blogs are great in fact, a place where I can vent my frustrations and rant about almost anything under the sun.
Main topic anyway, I'm just feeling rather empty these days. I feel like I'm walking stronger in the Lord, but somehow, something's really pulling me away from The Lord. I've a feeling I can point my finger and just what it is but somehow, to me, this really isn't what my life is supposed to be for. I'm supposed to do a lot more greater things than the present life I am currently leading.
I've seen so many people accomplish great things. Some times, I just wonder, will I always lead a life which always accepts mediocrity? Although I'm not a really organised person, I have a lot of goals which I want to follow - goals which I've created for the longest time ever, yet these goals are goals that has not fade away: Have a PhD,
marry at 27,
continue studying,
drive a car or two,
live in an exclusive condo,
have 4 perfect children,
retire in a small food outlet selling really small snacks,
travel around the world,
die in the arms of the ones I love,
hopefully by 80.
So many things I want to do in life, but somehow I always wonder, "am I really up for it?", "Is this life meant to be mine?", "are you sure?"
But we all know, God uses the simple to accomplish greater things than the ones whom expect too much. It is when we expect nothing from The Lord, where we receive more abundantly. When we expect The Lord to do something great, somehow we are not waiting upon Him and not letting his plan flow according to His will.
At the end of the day, this might not be the life I would lead, but in any case:
Your will above all else,
my purpose remains.
The art of losing myself,
in bringing you grace.

16.

I'm imperfect, insecure and I'm a mess. I'm full of flaws, full of scars which I hide. I dare not show the world who I really am, I dare not let anyone in. I try my best to allow people to know who I really am but they all just leave me in the end. So many times I cry for help in desperation. Sometimes, in need of a little attention. Sometimes, in need of a little help. I cry, I cry, I cry, I seek, I seek, I seek. Everywhere, there's people around me willing to help. But I push people away. Since young, ever since forever. So, I've tried my best to withdraw and close up in to my own little shell. A shell where no one can break in to. No one can come in because I refuse to let anyone in. I thought it would be alright to hold the burdens in, and not let anyone help. I thought I was doing a favor by not seeking help. Attention seeking, they used to say. I thought I had to learn independence. It was the key to survival after all, in this really harsh society. How can I let anyone in anyway? It's really hard. No one would stay by you to really hear you out and be there for you. It's just that once you share your problems, they can't back out. It's like an obligation for them to be there. They would always have to be there. So I'd rather linger around loneliness and never let anyone in. They wouldn't be there forever. They wouldn't love the scars on my body. They wouldn't love who I really am. They wouldn't love me.

Until I met You.

You reassured me, you chose to love me. Be it obligation or not, you made me feel loved. Would you still love me when I no longer seem happy? Would you still love me when I no longer seem perfect? Would you still love me when I show you all my scars? Would you still love me when I show you who I really am? Would you still love me? Would you be there for me? Would you continually reassure me that you love me? Would you continually shower me with love? Would you love this insecure mess? Would you love this people whom is full of flaws? Would you love a messed up person? Would you love someone whom only knows how to hide away from problems? Would you love someone whom craves a lot of attention? Would you love someone whom always pushes people away? Would you love me?

You did.

15. A day

• To immerse myself in books.
• Indulge myself in the Lord.
• Disappear without a single care of the world.
• Not having to care about others.
• Not having to worry how others may feel.
• Not having to "be there for someone"
• Not having to need the feeling of needing someone to be there for me.
• To myself.
• To praise God and exalt His name.

Goodbye from the phase of the earth. On that day, we'll see who really cares.

14.

Love me

more than

stars love

dying

but love me

less than the

abyss of 

celestial

bodies;

I could 

never

hold the 

heavens

you’ve 

hoped 

for.

13.

The unsung choruses of birds,
the unsaid words from my lips,
the times we were far apart,
the times I held you near,
the life I had lead with you beside me,
and the life I am living without you.

The trials,
sufferings,
afflictions,
pain,
we all had to go through.
Judgment through everything,
yet we couldn't say anything.

What's truly in your mind,
my dear.
Please tell me why you've a sad smile.
I'd wipe away every tear from your eyes,
if you'd let me.

I'd hold you once again in my arms,
and hold you close,
and never let go.

My dear,
tell me all you know,
tell me all you've been through,
tell me all you've ever said,
tell me all you've ever felt,
tell me all you know.

Whisper in my ears
once again, my dear.
As the world slowly fades away,
tell me you love me,
and you'd hold me in your arms again,
and you'd hold me close,
and you'd never let go.

12. Thoughts

Why do we let society deem what is pretty or not? God never created fat or skinny. He created people of different sizes. But it's because of man's own judgment that we decide what the meaning of "fat" and "skinny" is. We all try to achieve a certain weight(probably lesser than what we already weigh) because we think it looks better than what we already are. Why should we be insecure of our own body size when God beautifully created us to perfection(in his own image)?

11. Baptism.

Sitting down by her bedside,

just wishing, 

waiting,

wondering.

Sometimes feeling unworthy,

useless,

unloved.

You came,

You saved,

You healed,

You loved.

You chose not the perfect ones, 

but the ones whom are imperfect.

You chose not the sinless ones,

but the ones whom sinned.

You chose not the one whom is bright,

but the one whom struggles to pass her papers.

You chose not the clean ones,

but the ones whom have scars all over her body.

You chose not the ones whom love,

but the ones whom judge.

But You changed them,

You healed them,

You changed her,

You healed her,

You changed me,

You healed me.

Blessed //

"What an imbecile," she thought to herself, "who actually gets so caught up with this entire idea of religion? It restricts you from doing the many things you love. It restricts you from having the time of your life." She brushed off the entire topic of religion. "I believe in Him, I am a Christian. But I don't think you get the entire point of religion. If He loves you, He wouldn't want to see you suffer. Why would he make you do these nonsensical stuffs?"
"He loves you, and this entire life of yours is a test of whether you love Him, and how much exactly do you love Him. Are you willing to lay your life down for Him?" She didn't understand why were they all so caught up with this entire fascination. She attended church, but besides the glaring lights during worship, nothing else caught her eye. And technically, the glaring lights doesn't even catch her eye. It's just so attention seeking that you can't help but to look at it.
Little did she know, He would change her life forever. He made her new and to think, she would actually come to a point and switch roles, trying to be the one whom is persuading others whom share the common misunderstanding about this 'fascination'.

"Do you believe in Jesus?"
"Yes."

"Do you accept the Lord Jesus as your personal Lord and saviour?"
"Yes."
Down the water she goes and everything that has happened before is a blur. She feels so refreshed and life is a little more worth living for, with Him in her life.
God is her salvation,
God is my salvation.
Magdelynelysea.
270713.

Emmanuel,
Jesus Christ,
You'll never let me go.
My shepherd King,
You're watching over me...
Emmanuel.

10. Imagination

The comfort you feel when you just read a book, watch a movie and just deeply immerse yourself in to it. You don't ever want to come out of this imaginary realm you are in. You just want to stay away from reality, and belong to another dimension of fantasy. Where life's motto is "do as you please". The ability to change any and every circumstance is all under your own control and all you want to do is just stay that way forever without having someone to dictate your life around. That, is true bliss.

9. Encounter

Just came back from a 3D2N camp at Camp Challenge Sembawang. Through this camp, it really made me realize that when we put God to test, we are actually being faithless. We have to have faith at all times, every time. God knows we have struggles and he knows that Satan tempts us. But when we allow the temptation to even cross our minds for even one second, we are already being trapped by Satan.

We really have to come back to God. One day every knee will bow, every tongue shall confess your name Lord, your name, Jesus.

Hallelujah.

8. Relate

Turning around to leave, 
Full of words but I'm speechless
Don't even want to speak of the breakup.
Birds and Fishes in love are by chance.

Our love,
& the love given
It could have last.
It can no longer come back
Dust in the wind
Waiting
To hurt us.

转身离开 
(你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来
海鸟跟鱼相爱 
只是一场意外

我们的爱 （给的爱） 
差异一直存在 
(回不来)
凤中尘埃 
(等待)
竟累积成伤害

7.

And I'm in so deep,

You know I'm such a fool for you.

You've got me wrapped around your finger.

Do you have to let it linger....

I've seen it all and I know everything. It just sucks to know you've got used by someone you love most. I can't deny I'm very hurt by the fact that you did all these to me and hurt me this much. But I guess in every relationship, there must always be a time for you to let go. 

I knew the two of us wouldn't last but I didn't expect it to end so quickly. I liked you so much, so so so so much. I cried through this relationships more than I've been happy. But I still liked you through it all. From the time you shouted that you loved me before my paper, to the times where you sneaked a peck on me in school. I just love you so much. The thought of you right now is already making me cry, and it is so devastating. I really really liked you. Why did you have to play on me like that. 

Heck, I even wanted to marry you. Why did you push me away like that. Why did you just prove yourself so much like him..

Well it's too late now. She's gonna be very lucky. I'm happy for you. 

"give me a chance to prove to you that xxx wouldn’t happen again"
"Why would things change? I'll make sure it'll never change."
"I have you already and all I want is you."
"I doubt I can live without you"
"I'll never let you go"
"I will cherish you forever"
"all i want to do now is to treasure you,love and treat you til the very best i can"
"Forever and always"
shoelaces
finger opening game

"I love you"

6. crying myself to sleep

goodnight world,

goodnight memory. 

5.

Tonight was one hell of a night and I really wish nothing like this would ever happen again. It was too scary and I hope I wouldn't be able to go through something like this ever again. I'm so traumatized by the screaming, the crying. It was just too scary and I wish I would never ever ever have to experience anything near to it ever again.

Yes, I'm emotional but I guess, this is where it really hits home and where it really hits me - hurts me.

4. Thank you Father.

Today, Magdelyn, we believe God wants you to know that ...

every little part of you is magical.

Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: "I love you."

3. Emptiness.

Emptiness lingers. Your hand clasps with mine, when our lips touch, when you hold me in your arms. You.

Distance is bringing us further and further apart, so much so we might not even recognize each other anymore. You've lost feelings for me, and I've only been nothing but a stupid fool whom has had a wishful thinking of you being the one who puts the ring on her. I have always only wanted one thing, and that is for your happiness. But gradually, I've wanted another, and that was to be the reason you have happiness. But I guess, we have to move on from life. We have to learn that not everyone's relationship can end as a happy one. And most certainly, our relationship is no exception.

They say, the key to a happy and long-lasting relationship, apart from the obvious of mutual feelings, is the ability to compromise. Whether you're willing to let go of it all to let the other party have their way. Whether you have the tolerance to allow your loved one to reign over your decision. That's what love is all about.

&, this egoistic girl right here would never be able to have a love like that.

2. Life

It's funny because there's really only a fine line between death and life. There are just so many ways to end our lives. But right in that moment, when we're breathing our last breath, what would be in our minds? Will we be regret-filled or full of guilt? Imagine if we had lived for one more day, we might have been able to save a life, we might have been able to confess something that we have been guilty about for our entire life. Or maybe we might have been able to just tell our loved ones that we love them.

It's funny because so many times, we tell people that we want to end our lives, or that we cannot take it any longer. And in all honesty.. We're all afraid of death. We cut ourselves, eat excessive pills, we tell people that our lives meant nothing. When the truth is, we had meant something to at least one person in some point of our lives. We think it's cool to feign our emotions and tell people that we want to end our lives. When actually, the only thing we want more than anything else is just a little bit more of love, a little bit more of care and a little more attention.

We all crave for the care and concerns of others. If not, why would we want to end our lives? Or rather, why SHOULD we end our lives?

1. Time to move on.

S-anctifiedhearts will still be up but I have decided to create a new blog. I have learnt that I have to let go of some memories that has been haunting and hurting me for a long time now. Way back in 2010. Just like Signthatlove, the blog will be discontinued but still up.

"My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you're relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was not hurting you doesn't mean you did not notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It's going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go."

xx.