23.

If you're only going to stay for a while, I'd rather you not step into my life at all, because if you're only here to leave in the end, I'm not looking for a transaction. Your company for my time and vice versa. I'd rather you stay as a faded shadow. I don't want to live through the agony of losing someone close to me once again. 

I know that this feeling is familiar and it's a disorder I have - the inability to trust anyone. But why do people think it's wrong when I'm using this as a precautionary measure? Is it wrong to look out for myself? Everyone thinks it's wrong for me to close up in my own shell - but I don't see how this is wrong. It's just me, looking out. It's not as if I'm going back to cutting or having suicidal thoughts. I just don't want to hurt myself when all of you leave. 

Some argue that the least I can do is to learn how to cherish - but what good is there? If I cherish you even more, I'd trust and love you even more. What happens when you leave? Wouldn't it be even worst than what it already is? 

Goodbye old friend, I'm just going to slowly fade away and learn to be there for myself - something I should've done a long time ago.

I'm just looking out for myself.

I'm sorry for being this way 

I'm sorry for my sorrow 

I just want to fade away. 

22.

There you are
standing right before me.
Perfection in the form of a human.
Lost,
the expression you portray.
But then again,
you always look lost.
It shows a certain sense of naivety -
something lacking in most nowadays.
The clarity of your eyes seems so
deep and I can just reach in to the
depths of your soul in one look.
Your smile would brighten up
the entire room, but that isn't all too
surprising isn't it, beautiful?
You're not a regular. 
But sometimes the irregularity 
is what stands out
from the rest of the crowd. 

21.

There's really something so special about a pen and paper, or a keypad. The way you can deeply immerse yourself in some imaginary world of your own. Somewhere where you can let out all your repressed desires; some place you can temporarily liberate yourself from reality; some form of dimension where it goes by "do as you please". I love writing so much. You have the ability to write whatever you want to write. Everyone's thought process is different. You are the master of your own imagination, and the author to your own soul. Your sentence structure, your grammatical tenses, your vocabulary. Everything can be so different from one another. Banana. No one would've write banana just here. But I did, that's so interesting about writing. You literally hold the key to your own world full of colors. Whether you unlock this door is the issue, and whether you let yourself freely express is what's stopping you.

Why hold yourself back? Just let the magic flow.

20.

I don't even know my kids yet but I'm already too afraid to let them step in to the world. With so much harsh demands and expectations on kids which are barely even 3, I'm really afraid if my kid ends up being too overwhelmed with the world and I cannot do anything about it. I really want my kid to be able to live in a happy world. - A world full of happiness, with no expectations of your life. Society's demands are too hard to keep up with. Almost as if they're trying to create a Utopian society. What good is Utopia if the people are not happy? Is a high GDP really all that important? What good is high GDP per capita if the suicidal rate and depression rate increases vastly each year? Every second passing is another new demand and expectation for someone to take on. What good is there if we're a highly developed country when everyone here is not living life? It really shows something if our country is one of the most developed country, one of the most safest country to live in, yet we are one of the top ten most unhappiest country in the world. It's so scary how some people can't even live life properly. We're all sucked in to conformity and the freedom to express yourself is really little. How then, can anyone grow up in such a society?
I've not even met my kid yet,but I'm so afraid to let my kid live in this harsh world.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” - Oscar Wilde

19. 思念

It's really amazing how 思(sī) from 思念(sī niàn)(miss: the act of missing someone) is the exact pronunciation as 死(si)(die). It's as if you miss someone so much to the extent that you're close to dying. As if you really love someone to the point that you feel like dying, you act like you're dying, you sound like you're dying, almost everything about you seems dead. But you're only barely breathing, barely living, barely alive. The only difference about you and that of a dead person is your present state and how you look. But then again, deep in you - you're already dead and no one knows that and everyone is oblivious to your dead self except yourself. -

I really miss you. 

18. If only

If only you knew how much I love you,

If only you knew how I smile when I'm with you,

If only you knew how much your text means to me, 

If only you knew how I think about you all day long, 

If only you knew how I get jealous when I see you with others, 

If only you knew how much I reminisce the times we spend together, 

If only you knew how much of an impact you are to me, 

If only you knew how my heart cries out for you every night, 

If only you knew how I'm trying my best to look for you, 

If only you knew how I still want to be with you,

If only you knew how I still long for your kiss,

If only you knew how I still reread the old text messages we've had,

If only you knew how I long to hold you in my arms again, 

If only you knew how my soul cries out to you,

If only you knew how this still affects me, 

If only you knew how much I still love you,

If only you knew how much I love you,

If only you knew how much 

If only you knew

If only I know how to let go of all these thoughts. 

17.

Yet another lonesome night, the only difference is that I'm really sick to the core right now. Which reminds me - I've not done what I'm supposed to do yet. In fact, I've not done a lot of things that I'm supposed to do for today. Instead, I'm just sitting on my bed, blogging. This old habit is starting to reoccur in my life right now. Oh well. It is great to have a diary where I do not have to torture my fingers(apparently, a really bad habit of mine is to write really hard). Blogs are great in fact, a place where I can vent my frustrations and rant about almost anything under the sun.
Main topic anyway, I'm just feeling rather empty these days. I feel like I'm walking stronger in the Lord, but somehow, something's really pulling me away from The Lord. I've a feeling I can point my finger and just what it is but somehow, to me, this really isn't what my life is supposed to be for. I'm supposed to do a lot more greater things than the present life I am currently leading.
I've seen so many people accomplish great things. Some times, I just wonder, will I always lead a life which always accepts mediocrity? Although I'm not a really organised person, I have a lot of goals which I want to follow - goals which I've created for the longest time ever, yet these goals are goals that has not fade away: Have a PhD,
marry at 27,
continue studying,
drive a car or two,
live in an exclusive condo,
have 4 perfect children,
retire in a small food outlet selling really small snacks,
travel around the world,
die in the arms of the ones I love,
hopefully by 80.
So many things I want to do in life, but somehow I always wonder, "am I really up for it?", "Is this life meant to be mine?", "are you sure?"
But we all know, God uses the simple to accomplish greater things than the ones whom expect too much. It is when we expect nothing from The Lord, where we receive more abundantly. When we expect The Lord to do something great, somehow we are not waiting upon Him and not letting his plan flow according to His will.
At the end of the day, this might not be the life I would lead, but in any case:
Your will above all else,
my purpose remains.
The art of losing myself,
in bringing you grace.