26. you'll never know.

Don't walk away now only for you to regret, because if you turn your head away now, you'll never know how it feels like to be loved by me. You'll never be able to experience holding my hand, getting hugged, kissing each other, walking down the aisle, experiencing our first, having a baby, raising a child, growing old together, dying in each others' arms.

But if you turn your heart to me right now, you'll get to experience all that. Besides that, you're gonna be so loved. I may not be the most perfect person but I ensure that I'll love you until the very best I can. We can pray together, love each other. I wouldn't stop you from reaching your life goals. I'm gonna love you so much, everyone's gonna be jealous of the love and common bond we share. Because if you love me, I'm gonna love you too.

But you turned away.
And you don't seem like you're turning back.
I'll be here waiting.
Until time ends.

Beat.

25. threatened

Just a little something I've written before but it sums everything up. Goodbye.

they call it
the place where we
feel most accepting of
ourselves.
I feel condemned
used
unwanted
insecure.
I've tried to let this thought go
but where can it go
it can only go so far.
it'll come back
and haunt me.
she'll haunt me.
the silhouette of her is enough
to kill me

I shudder
at the thought of her
but she's just there
she constantly reminds me
of what she is
who she is
and what she used to be.

what's mine
should never be mine.

it's hers.

threatened.

24. sixteen

I'm 16 years young, I am naive.
I'm 16 years young, I might need a lot of love.
I'm 16 years young, I may still be immature.
I'm 16 years young, I have the future in my hands.
I'm 16 years young, I am supposed to listen to authority.
I'm 16 years young, I cannot make rational decisions yet.

I'm 16 years old, I can fend for myself.
I'm 16 years old, I have my own emotions.
I'm 16 years old, I can be serious when I want to.
I'm 16 years old, I have the ability to make decisions.
I'm 16 years old, I refuse to subdue to your nonsensical requests.
I'm 16 years old, I have a brain.

I am 16 years old, not stupid.

23.

If you're only going to stay for a while, I'd rather you not step into my life at all, because if you're only here to leave in the end, I'm not looking for a transaction. Your company for my time and vice versa. I'd rather you stay as a faded shadow. I don't want to live through the agony of losing someone close to me once again. 

I know that this feeling is familiar and it's a disorder I have - the inability to trust anyone. But why do people think it's wrong when I'm using this as a precautionary measure? Is it wrong to look out for myself? Everyone thinks it's wrong for me to close up in my own shell - but I don't see how this is wrong. It's just me, looking out. It's not as if I'm going back to cutting or having suicidal thoughts. I just don't want to hurt myself when all of you leave. 

Some argue that the least I can do is to learn how to cherish - but what good is there? If I cherish you even more, I'd trust and love you even more. What happens when you leave? Wouldn't it be even worst than what it already is? 

Goodbye old friend, I'm just going to slowly fade away and learn to be there for myself - something I should've done a long time ago.

I'm just looking out for myself.

I'm sorry for being this way 

I'm sorry for my sorrow 

I just want to fade away. 

22.

There you are
standing right before me.
Perfection in the form of a human.
Lost,
the expression you portray.
But then again,
you always look lost.
It shows a certain sense of naivety -
something lacking in most nowadays.
The clarity of your eyes seems so
deep and I can just reach in to the
depths of your soul in one look.
Your smile would brighten up
the entire room, but that isn't all too
surprising isn't it, beautiful?
You're not a regular. 
But sometimes the irregularity 
is what stands out
from the rest of the crowd. 

21.

There's really something so special about a pen and paper, or a keypad. The way you can deeply immerse yourself in some imaginary world of your own. Somewhere where you can let out all your repressed desires; some place you can temporarily liberate yourself from reality; some form of dimension where it goes by "do as you please". I love writing so much. You have the ability to write whatever you want to write. Everyone's thought process is different. You are the master of your own imagination, and the author to your own soul. Your sentence structure, your grammatical tenses, your vocabulary. Everything can be so different from one another. Banana. No one would've write banana just here. But I did, that's so interesting about writing. You literally hold the key to your own world full of colors. Whether you unlock this door is the issue, and whether you let yourself freely express is what's stopping you.

Why hold yourself back? Just let the magic flow.

20.

I don't even know my kids yet but I'm already too afraid to let them step in to the world. With so much harsh demands and expectations on kids which are barely even 3, I'm really afraid if my kid ends up being too overwhelmed with the world and I cannot do anything about it. I really want my kid to be able to live in a happy world. - A world full of happiness, with no expectations of your life. Society's demands are too hard to keep up with. Almost as if they're trying to create a Utopian society. What good is Utopia if the people are not happy? Is a high GDP really all that important? What good is high GDP per capita if the suicidal rate and depression rate increases vastly each year? Every second passing is another new demand and expectation for someone to take on. What good is there if we're a highly developed country when everyone here is not living life? It really shows something if our country is one of the most developed country, one of the most safest country to live in, yet we are one of the top ten most unhappiest country in the world. It's so scary how some people can't even live life properly. We're all sucked in to conformity and the freedom to express yourself is really little. How then, can anyone grow up in such a society?
I've not even met my kid yet,but I'm so afraid to let my kid live in this harsh world.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” - Oscar Wilde