39.

I was a mess,
I was lost,
I was insecure,
I was confused.
I didn't know where to go,
what to do,
how to get there,
who I am.

But then You saved me.
You pulled me out of the wreckage.
You stood by me all these while but I was too blind to see.
You loved me unconditionally.
You accepted me for who I am.

Promise me You'll bring me wherever you go,
I'm like a little needy girl,
clinging on,
hoping to never say goodbye.
You're my new found hope,
my new found anchor.

I devote myself to You.

38

Terribly afraid of falling

when 

I 

know 

I've 

fallen. 

I can't tell anyone about it 

because 

I know nobody would

understand. 

I try my best 

to show a facade that 

I, 

myself, 

can't handle. 

because 

I need strength to carry on. 

and everytime 

I catch 

myself thinking of you, 

I know, 

somehow, 

things would just fall in to place. 

Soon. 

I can't point 

my finger at what it draws 

me to you. 

but 

I know that 

somehow 

everything would be alright 

37.

You are the refuge that was never there.


huff puff and a blade.

36.

Was it your sheepish smile when you told me you love me?
Or is it the way your back looks whenever you walk in front of me?
Every time I'm around you,
I can't help but to feel like I've got my white flag up.
You make my knees weak,
I'm at your mercy.

The way you flash a smile across,
I just can't help but thank God everyday,
that He made you like this.
Your ever beautiful self.

But now this smile is no longer there,
tell me why so.

35.

I thought I've managed to let go. I thought I had finally learnt that I should move on and that you're but of a passing phase in my life. But I realize I hadn't let go of the hurt you've brought about in me. It was absolutely horrendous and I had to suffer the agony all by myself for the few days I was alone. How would you have thought I had felt? I wasted my time on something that was never meant to be. You literally used me. You plucked the strings out of my heart and got me entangled in my own made belief web of love. You're such a pretentious little liar and you got me in to this state - this absolutely desperate state.

I absolutely abhor you to the core. I hate you so much I wish I could slit your throat out really slowly and make you suffer a painful death.....

but then again, it wouldn't be just you whom is suffering... I'd be suffering too.

34. Au revoir mémoire

I've got 11,000 photos on my iPhone camera roll and I decided to delete every single one of them today. I thought it would be a great idea to finally clear out all the wasted space on nonsensical pictures. After what seemed like 2 hours, it finally cleared and the sentimental side of me was still clinging on to the memories and I felt like I made a bad decision. 

Long story short, I restarted my phone without backing it up. Slowly, all of the photos started filling up the album... I took a good look once more and relived the memories. It was painful to see so many photos of people whom have left my life, places that I've once been and can never go back or even things that I've once loved to do but can never do again.

Don't live to regret. Being able to look at all these photos to relive it was all by fate. Not many would get the chance to do over what they think is a mistake. Although a surge of emptiness lingers within me right now, at least I've learnt a very, extremely valuable lesson - don't live to regret. 

Don't let matters pass, do it.

Don't let the sun set without resolving, settle it.

Don't let emotions be bottled up, release it.

Don't let the anger be kept within, let go of it.

Don't live only to regret it.

I had the last chance to say a final goodbye.

I'm deleting the photos.

Au revoir mémoire; 

33.

It's so funny how I used to be so dependent on one thing before but immediately after finding out something, I choose to totally distant myself away from it. Goodbye to my memory, goodbye to all that ever was. 

& HELLO 2014! (though it's already 11th January.)

32

There's something weird about dreams and how it captures every fragment of your imagination that even your soberness can't come up with.
Somethings are just meant to coexist but are never meant to meet.

31. Perspective -

See the world through your eyes and see how there's many million things in the world. The colors in the world are so vivid, the lines so defined. You can see everything beautifully, but a speck of a dust may cause all goodness and wholesomeness to be gone. Beauty may come crashing down in just about a second. But to repair perfection takes a lifetime. Legend has it that some people had tried to make life perfect. But everyone died trying. No one can make a difference or even start a revolution. A handful tried and their experiences are testimonies of why we should never try to be indifferent. The world is a huge and cruel and there's not many in the world that actually bothers trying to make it beautiful. To want to make a difference, others call it silly, some call them ambitious.

30.

You don't have to try to be perfect because perfection is already what you are. God had a special plan when He created you. He took a little extra time and a little extra care when it was your turn. He made you so perfect words cannot describe how wonderful and great you really are. 

29.

Ended a case with all his friends.

Knocked off work.

Got out of his pick up to a sacred place,

He tried to find a girl even though he had a girl back home.

She caught his eye.

Every Friday evening worshiping the great.

Asking for forgiveness and maybe a man.

She never knew her prayers would be answered that quickly.

Too quickly.

He caught her eye.

Danced and squandered their youth away.

Dated and had fun everyday.

Tried to get closer and closer each time.

Unfortunately,

too close.

Her mother refused to let her go out.

Asked her to stay at home 

And never to meet the man again.

Her youthful desires sent her away.

She wanted every opportunity to be with him.

She cried about it and she doesn't know how.

She didn't want to be pregnant.

His life was at stake,

Her family could take action,

She was only 18.

A shot gun marriage, 

a quiet affair.

She didn't want the world to know 

her despair.

She quit school, 

she stopped going to where they met.

She loved him, 

and he loved her.

She tried to stay positive

as if everything were alright-

It wasn't

They only barely knew each other.

Fighting and quarreling at home everyday

The typical love story of romeo and juliet.

She was of a shady background 

but he was a man of justice.

She tried every possible way to get closer to him,

Too close it did.

He started to hit.

Abusing her for the next 10 years,

divorce was their constant topic for the next 30 years.

They never got to it.

Out came the first, 

then the second.

The third came soon

and so the fourth was the last.

Many years later, 

the fourth is 16

Third is 24

Second is 33

First is 37.

She's waiting for her results with her kids.

She's gonna be healed.

Definitely.

28.

Something i penned down awhile back. 

Relentlessly continuing the sounds of chitter-chatter, 

The rain all around making it a cool, cool weather, 

The aroma of coffee that doesn't seem to matter, 

people studying blindly and susceptible to the noise. 

Merciless cramming with a pinch of irritation, 

how can this be a conducive place?

Deemed as the study place in Singapore,

yet the ambience is that of a heartlander coffee shop. 

I came here in hopes of having a good, productive day. 

Only to realize 6.60 squandered away. 

I could've bought an eighty cent worth coffee 

for the same ambience, in a loud and noisy 

coffee shop. 

27.

I don't know why I try so hard to please you when you'll never be pleased with what I do. 

I'm always second to her. 

And I'm forever your demon child. 

26. you'll never know.

Don't walk away now only for you to regret, because if you turn your head away now, you'll never know how it feels like to be loved by me. You'll never be able to experience holding my hand, getting hugged, kissing each other, walking down the aisle, experiencing our first, having a baby, raising a child, growing old together, dying in each others' arms.

But if you turn your heart to me right now, you'll get to experience all that. Besides that, you're gonna be so loved. I may not be the most perfect person but I ensure that I'll love you until the very best I can. We can pray together, love each other. I wouldn't stop you from reaching your life goals. I'm gonna love you so much, everyone's gonna be jealous of the love and common bond we share. Because if you love me, I'm gonna love you too.

But you turned away.
And you don't seem like you're turning back.
I'll be here waiting.
Until time ends.

Beat.

25. threatened

Just a little something I've written before but it sums everything up. Goodbye.

they call it
the place where we
feel most accepting of
ourselves.
I feel condemned
used
unwanted
insecure.
I've tried to let this thought go
but where can it go
it can only go so far.
it'll come back
and haunt me.
she'll haunt me.
the silhouette of her is enough
to kill me

I shudder
at the thought of her
but she's just there
she constantly reminds me
of what she is
who she is
and what she used to be.

what's mine
should never be mine.

it's hers.

threatened.

24. sixteen

I'm 16 years young, I am naive.
I'm 16 years young, I might need a lot of love.
I'm 16 years young, I may still be immature.
I'm 16 years young, I have the future in my hands.
I'm 16 years young, I am supposed to listen to authority.
I'm 16 years young, I cannot make rational decisions yet.

I'm 16 years old, I can fend for myself.
I'm 16 years old, I have my own emotions.
I'm 16 years old, I can be serious when I want to.
I'm 16 years old, I have the ability to make decisions.
I'm 16 years old, I refuse to subdue to your nonsensical requests.
I'm 16 years old, I have a brain.

I am 16 years old, not stupid.

23.

If you're only going to stay for a while, I'd rather you not step into my life at all, because if you're only here to leave in the end, I'm not looking for a transaction. Your company for my time and vice versa. I'd rather you stay as a faded shadow. I don't want to live through the agony of losing someone close to me once again. 

I know that this feeling is familiar and it's a disorder I have - the inability to trust anyone. But why do people think it's wrong when I'm using this as a precautionary measure? Is it wrong to look out for myself? Everyone thinks it's wrong for me to close up in my own shell - but I don't see how this is wrong. It's just me, looking out. It's not as if I'm going back to cutting or having suicidal thoughts. I just don't want to hurt myself when all of you leave. 

Some argue that the least I can do is to learn how to cherish - but what good is there? If I cherish you even more, I'd trust and love you even more. What happens when you leave? Wouldn't it be even worst than what it already is? 

Goodbye old friend, I'm just going to slowly fade away and learn to be there for myself - something I should've done a long time ago.

I'm just looking out for myself.

I'm sorry for being this way 

I'm sorry for my sorrow 

I just want to fade away. 

22.

There you are
standing right before me.
Perfection in the form of a human.
Lost,
the expression you portray.
But then again,
you always look lost.
It shows a certain sense of naivety -
something lacking in most nowadays.
The clarity of your eyes seems so
deep and I can just reach in to the
depths of your soul in one look.
Your smile would brighten up
the entire room, but that isn't all too
surprising isn't it, beautiful?
You're not a regular. 
But sometimes the irregularity 
is what stands out
from the rest of the crowd. 

21.

There's really something so special about a pen and paper, or a keypad. The way you can deeply immerse yourself in some imaginary world of your own. Somewhere where you can let out all your repressed desires; some place you can temporarily liberate yourself from reality; some form of dimension where it goes by "do as you please". I love writing so much. You have the ability to write whatever you want to write. Everyone's thought process is different. You are the master of your own imagination, and the author to your own soul. Your sentence structure, your grammatical tenses, your vocabulary. Everything can be so different from one another. Banana. No one would've write banana just here. But I did, that's so interesting about writing. You literally hold the key to your own world full of colors. Whether you unlock this door is the issue, and whether you let yourself freely express is what's stopping you.

Why hold yourself back? Just let the magic flow.

20.

I don't even know my kids yet but I'm already too afraid to let them step in to the world. With so much harsh demands and expectations on kids which are barely even 3, I'm really afraid if my kid ends up being too overwhelmed with the world and I cannot do anything about it. I really want my kid to be able to live in a happy world. - A world full of happiness, with no expectations of your life. Society's demands are too hard to keep up with. Almost as if they're trying to create a Utopian society. What good is Utopia if the people are not happy? Is a high GDP really all that important? What good is high GDP per capita if the suicidal rate and depression rate increases vastly each year? Every second passing is another new demand and expectation for someone to take on. What good is there if we're a highly developed country when everyone here is not living life? It really shows something if our country is one of the most developed country, one of the most safest country to live in, yet we are one of the top ten most unhappiest country in the world. It's so scary how some people can't even live life properly. We're all sucked in to conformity and the freedom to express yourself is really little. How then, can anyone grow up in such a society?
I've not even met my kid yet,but I'm so afraid to let my kid live in this harsh world.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” - Oscar Wilde